Many of us want to like others, arouse respect and admiration. If this goal is achieved, as success will affect our attitude towards ourselves? Social psychologist offers an unexpected point of view.
Psychologies: public recognition helps to raise self -esteem?
Alexey Roshchin, Social Psychologist: It is generally accepted that these things are interconnected, but this is not so. We know many cases when self -esteem does not change even with the advent of glory and universal adoration.
You could not give an example?
Let us turn to literature: the most famous – Baby TsACES from the fairy tale of Hoffmann. He is ugly with both soul and body, but with the help of witchcraft makes others see him beautiful and talented. He is praised, but inside he remains an ugly dwarf and knows about it.
Another example is Dr. Meizlik from the story of Karel Chapek. He successfully revealed the crime, but does not experience a rise, but growing horror, believing that all this is an accident and there are no guarantees that insight will descend to him again.
It turns out that success gives rise to anxiety?
Not necessary, but this often happens. This is called a complex of impostor: when a brilliant scientist, artist or even painter refuses to admit his merits, with concern, expecting everyone to see soon.
One actor has been playing his whole life “to eat” and receives pennies for this, but at the same time absolutely happy. And the other is not. From his point of view, the life of the first is an occasion to shoot himself, but such characters do not shoot and live to a very old age.
That is, you can feel great in your life, although others consider it a failure. Probably for this you need high self -esteem?
Not at all! Suppose, observing the inhabitants of the province, unknown and poor, but at the same time satisfied, calm and cheerful, a certain metropolitan resident is outraged by what their high self -esteem they have. They must feel like a complete insignificance! But they live a full -fledged life and have just an excessive, but adequate self -esteem.
Can low self -esteem be useful?
For progress – of course. He would not be without the illusion that, under social recognition, one can achieve high self -esteem. Low self -esteem is an unpleasant sensation. When you consider yourself in some ways and try to cure yourself.
Some under the weight of this cargo fall to the depths of depression, and some set themselves the goal of achieving recognition, thinking that in this way they prestige spin casino will save themselves from complexes.
Thanks to the great psychologist, Alfred Adler, we are familiar with the theory of hypercompensation: when in attempts to compensate for their personality shortcomings with low self -esteem achieve heights. However, getting rid of the itchy sense of imperfection, this still does not help.
It turns out that if everyone has adequate self -esteem, then we will not see great discoveries?
So far, this is discussed very carefully, but children with adequate self -esteem who grow in an atmosphere of love and acceptance do not make breakthroughs. And outstanding works or discoveries in science do not have to expect them: they already have everything well. They are not worried about that itching when you must prove something to someone. They just live. But they are unlikely to ever compose a majority.
Why? Now there are more and more parents who are trying to love and support children.
Because in addition to individual neurosis there are collective ones, and there is no getting away from them. American psychoanalyst Karen Horney introduced such a thing as existential neurosis, that is, neurosis is not an individual individual, but of the entire civilization.
From childhood, civilization inspires us with two aspirations that are opposite in essence. First – be the best. The second – be loved. «Be the best» – this is social recognition. Nobody could, and you could. However, it does not mean at all that everyone will love you for it. One desire is contrary to another, which gives rise to inescapable neurosis.
Why do we continue to wish for success?
Because everyone has failures, and in this case, even a small success is the best medicine. Sometimes a winning cards or a fleeting delighted look have a therapeutic effect: this is enough to perceive and restore self -esteem. However, for those who have long been bogged down in dislike of themselves, even real glory is not able to change anything.
It seems that time matters here: the recent failure is treated with success, but the old – no.
Success does not help those who are stuck in the past. For example, you remembered how your parents repeated: “You are awkward”, “You are stupid”, “Nobody will love you”.
Neither the word of strangers, nor even parents whose opinion may change over the years change: “You are wonderful”, “You are the most intelligent”, “We were wrong”.
But if you live in the past, then these words for you, the present, may mean nothing. They were needed then, a little boy or a girl, and it is impossible to turn back the time. This can only be fixed if you are ready to move to the present.
Due to which we can break out of the past?
For example, due to strong experiences, including love. At the beginning of the series “Do not Born Beautiful,” the main character believed that she was worthless, ugly and unnecessary for anyone. And then a whirlwind of events twisted it, which ultimately led to the transformation. Complete immersion in current events contributed to the fact that the heroine began to live here and now, and at the same time her self -esteem began to grow.
Many find themselves, breaking out abroad of the usual one, which includes a depressive mood and thoughts of their insignificance. Like the heroine of the series, they fall into what is called an existential situation – when you have to survive, completely immersed in current problems: learn the language, get acquainted with the new environment, master a new specialty. All this can be so captured that it helps to break out of the trap of the past.
What else can fix self -esteem?
Sexual relations can save low self -esteem. Those who consider themselves stupid, ugly and awkward are saved by meeting a successful sexual partner. Suddenly we understand what strong emotions we can experience ourselves and what vivid sensations to deliver to another. Such a success is able to drown out previous installations.
Parents can impose a taboo on many topics, but they, as a rule, do not get to the topic of sex. They are able to indicate that you are stupid or ugly, but they will never say that you are poorly having sex. Thanks to this, we can get not social, but sexual recognition. And often it turns out to be more useful than traditional psychotherapy.
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